Parenting a child with high levels of resistance and opposition can be frustrating and exhausting. In this blog, we will discuss possible triggers for resistance and opposition as well as examples on how to cope with them.
First, consider the growing independence of your child. Each year, the expectations are higher and the responsibilities become bigger. For some children this pace of increased independence can be met with overwhelm. This feeling can translate to children feeling a considerable lack of control in their lives, thus leading them to become resistant and oppositional. For parents, it is important to introduce elements of choice to help balance requests. Here are a few examples:
- “I need you to wear long sleeves and pants because of the cold weather, but you can pick which top and pair of pants to wear.”
- “I need you to sign this card for your father, but you can choose what color pen you would like to use.”
- “I need you to get ready for bed, but you can choose what you would like to do first- take a bath or brush your teeth.”
Another consideration is your child’s overall wellbeing in moments of opposition or high resistance. Meeting a child’s basic needs can drastically transform their receptiveness to you. Start by thinking of the last time your child has eaten or napped. Notice if your child may be getting sick. With a snack, rest, or some medicine to help address the highest needs at the moment, your child can be more present in the moment. Next, consider the quality of sleep your child is getting at night. This is especially important to consider in children with ongoing sleep problems. Without adequate sleep, it is likely that your child will not be their usual self and some days will be met with more resistance than others. In this event, you as the parent can acknowledge the frustration of the situation and that there is no quick fix. Take mental note that they are not their usual self at that moment and try again later.
Lastly, consider mental health challenges in your child. The best way to do this is to take note of when behaviors come up and what they may be signaling. Here are some examples:
- Resistance in the morning before school may be signaling anxiety about going to school and that your child is trying to avoid the distress being experienced.
- Response: “You seem really worried about going to school. What about school has been so tough lately?”
- Resistance to engage in activities may be signaling depression.
- Response: Validate your child’s feelings and invite your child to share more to help you understand their experiences.
- Frequent loss of temper, irritability, difficulty following the rules, defiance of authority figures, spitefulness, and more– if these behaviors occur at home and also in other settings (school), a child may be experiencing symptoms of oppositional defiant disorder.
- Focus on what is behind the “no” and allow yourself to feel frustrated at the repeated resistance.
- Seek additional support through parent training programs such as parent management training, problem-solving skills training, as well as play therapy for your child!
Source: Harvard Health Publishing
Title: How to address opposition in young children by Dr. Jacqueline Sperling