Triangulation is a common occurrence in many families. When triangles in families form, it can create tension between family members who feel pressured to choose one person over another to keep the peace. So, what is triangulation? Family therapist, Kyle S. King defines triangulation as, “a dyad (two-person relationship) that has become taxed and communication strangled, which has resulted in the triangulation of a third party into the relationship.”
Your first reaction might be to panic at the recognition of triangulation in your household, but it is important to know that this is a common and expected experience in many families. Bowen, a multigenerational family systems theorist emphasized that triangulation is a normal and healthy occurrence in family interactions. Dyads are in nature unstable, leading to third parties getting involved to help assist in disagreements, needs, and coping during stressful times.
To best understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy triangulation in your home, consider the following examples:
- Two siblings are arguing about how to split a dessert fairly, they look to a parent to help them resolve the conflict.
- Mom confides in her daughter how hard it is to be married to the child’s dad.
These examples are the same in that triangles are being created by two family members joining together while seeking input from or about the third party. In example one, the family member brought in for input is able to bring resolution to the conflict. In example two, the daughter being sought out by her mom as a confidant creates undue stress for the daughter who is now forced into a role of serving her mom’s emotional needs. This conversation should be between Mom and Dad. By bringing in the daughter, there is no resolution of the issue and instead the parents are indirectly communicating to the daughter that she is relied upon to avoid marriage conflict and maintain peace in the household. The differences between these two examples are clear; there should be a clear resolve once the third member is involved. If not, this is a good warning sign to you that your family is engaging in unhealthy triangulation habits.
The following steps can be taken to try and counteract the negative effect of triangulation:
- The triangulated individual can remove themself from the situation by refusing to engage with the conflict of the involved member. This can be done with clear communication and boundary setting to the two people in the dyad.
- The two-person dyad can create a habit of seeking out another rather than projecting their conflict outward. Focus on having open, honest, and direct communication between family members.
- If the dyad is struggling to stabilize without the third-party mediator, the dyad should consider seeking out a professional mediator, counselor, or therapist.
Resources:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/family-triangles-when-someone-gets-put-in-the-middle
Triangles — The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family
Triangulation in Psychology: Impact on Relationships & How to Respond (simplypsychology.org)