One of the most difficult parts of parenting is remembering that your children do not have the same life experiences you have… even if your teen thinks they do!
So, what does this mean in the parenting world?
When your child or teen is insecure they WILL show it differently than you!
They may be a people pleaser, a know it all or angry. They may fight (sometimes literally). They may say “I hate you mom.” They may be embarrassed, or cry, or run from their problems. They may deny anything is wrong. Their grades may drop, or they might be a perfectionist. It might be impossible to tell anything is bothering them, or they might change completely. They may imply it is your fault or take more blame than they should. They may obsess over a friend, or possibly avoid them completely. There are so many ways insecurity may be shown.
Anxiety is really uncomfortable- it’s why we avoid it whenever possible. Some people chose to only do things they are confident in, they completely avoid taking risks. Some people on the other hand are so insecure they take risks to impress others.
There is no one way insecurity is shown.
What can I do if I suspect my child is insecure?
Recognize how you show anxiety-
Do you cry, hide away, lash out? Do you talk about it? Or maybe journal? Do you have that trusted friend you go to? Or do you hold it all inside?
Frequently children mimic our way of handling feelings. This can be an opportunity to be more open about healthy skills you have found to reduce your own stress.
When you are insecure, how do you feel?
Do you feel worthless, like a failure or a blob? Do you pick yourself apart or focus on your faults? Do you feel targeted or attacked? Do you lash out or become easily irritated? Or do you act as if nothing is wrong, sweep it all under a rug, and ‘suck it up.’
Again, frequently children mimic how we express our feelings. This is another opportunity to share healthy ways of talking about feelings.
Know what is a healthy versus an unhealthy level of anxiety
Frequently parents are surprised when I share their child is insecure. (Let me point out that being insecure is also a natural part of development and emotional growth.) There is what I call a healthy level of insecurity, and an unhealthy level of insecurity. So, what is the difference?
A healthy level means although you are not feeling confident in your parenting… your decisions… your choices, etc. but you are willing to give it a try to see what happens. You feel emotions, in fact, a healthy range of emotions (sad, despair, anger, embarrassed, etc) but they do not consume you. They do not affect you to the point that it controls your everyday reactions.
An unhealthy level is the opposite of that. You feel uncomfortable and unconfident and no matter what something is holding you back, controlling you, manipulating you and it stinks. An unhealthy level is when those feelings of sadness, despair, anger, embarrassment, etc. actually affect your mood, your relationships and your life. An example is when a child is feeling nervous about a test, so they refuse to go to school. Or a teen is feeling anxious and they yell at you- “it’s your fault!” “You don’t care!” “You don’t love me!” Sound familiar?
Feeling insecure stinks and it causes many of us to say hurtful and mean things. (Think of the saying we hurt the ones we love the most)
Okay so I think my child is insecure, now what?
Awesome! (That sounds odd right?) I say awesome because we have our starting point. Now that you recognize your child might be anxious, how will this affect your relationship with them? Will you be a bit more understanding or flexible? Will you be more aware of what they say?
Now that you recognize that your child may be insecure, I want you to try to view life from their point of view. They do not have the years of knowledge and insight that you do (or a fully developed brain). All behavior is communication. What are they saying? And what are you telling them? Actions and behaviors are communication that many parents overlook. (This is also known as non-verbal communication.)
Insecurity stinks. If you think your child or teen is feeling insecure and they don’t know how to share it, reach out. We can help. Because let’s face it, few kids (and many adults) really know how to share the deep stuff.