Children with ADHD tend to be more argumentative and have more explosive emotions than those without ADHD. In fact, it is often noted that those with ADHD may feel emotions up to 3 times MORE intensely than those without ADHD. The most challenging part? They often do not have the emotional or social vocabulary to express what they are feeling or why. When you are speaking to your child and you use words like “No” or “Can’t” or “Don’t”, they will often respond in a not so calm way. They may feel like you have told them the world is ending. Your child may also think the task is repetitive or boring. All of this may result in a tantrum or argument. They believe that their tantrum is warranted because they are frustrated. Often times they don’t feel as if there is any other option than to explode with anger. This is due to lower social and emotional awareness which is caused by the diagnosis of ADHD.
How do I parent an argumentative ADHD child?
It does not help to argue back or yell at your child when they are emotionally volatile. Try to use a low, calm voice that will help set the tone further. They will realize that they do not have to yell to get their point across. We like the phrase HALT. This means, don’t have a conversation with your child when you are Hungry-Angry-Lonely-Tired. Truthfully- any time your blood pressure is raised, it is not a good time to talk. Kids can be super sensitive, and kids with ADHD are incredibly sensitive and aware to voice tone, body language, and perceptions. Remember, they feel things 3 times MORE intensely than those without ADHD they may just not fully understand the dynamics- or see both sides. If you ever wonder why your ADHD child complains you are yelling when you are only irritated- this is why.
Another option to try is interjecting by saying something like, “I understand that you are upset, but can I talk now?” Acknowledging your child will make them feel visible. It is important to focus on good listening skills. Listen to your child’s grievances and then interject to say your point on why you need them to listen to you. Set a good example by listening and teach them that listening is just as important as speaking. Often times we find that parents think they are listening to their child but they truly are not. Parents need to set aside their pride at times. If you have an argumentative child with ADHD- this is essential. You don’t have to always win, and walking away is not letting your child win. Do you need help with this? Click here to schedule an appointment right away.
A third option is to discuss in a neutral time, when both you and your child are in good moods. Use a neutral time (and place) to discuss and teach your child how to communicate effectively with others. This relates to HALT that is explained above and takes a lot of practice! By using a neutral time, it’ll help teach your child so they can process the information. This helps because you do not have to yell or raise your voice at them while they are experiencing heightened emotions. In those heightened emotions, the only thing they can hear or want to hear is you agreeing to let them get their way. In that time, you can tell them it’s okay to agree to disagree on certain topics. Teach them early that many people agree to disagree on a multitude of topics; it’s what makes people unique and different. You can try to explain to your child that it’s okay that you want to color with crayons instead of markers like they do, but it does not make you a terrible person. You both can agree to disagree about which art supplies colors better.
You want to encourage your child to speak their mind and feel comfortable doing it, but that does not mean you lose all control. It is important that your child still sees you as mom or dad opposed to as a friend. It is important they still know that you are the one that calls the shots. Even though you are letting them give their point of view when upset, they still need to listen to your final word. You have the authority not your child. However, this balance is easily lost when parenting ADHD and authoritarian parenting styles are not always the right direction. Michelle frequently says that parenting a gifted ADHD child is one of the most challenging personalities to parent. This is why Dandelion specializes in supporting these kids and offers intensive parenting support.