When your teen seeks approval- who do they seek it from? Themselves? You? Classmates? Teachers? Does your teen seem like they are always craving recognition for what they’ve done? Do you worry that they might be insecure?
We as an American society are incredibly motivated by ‘what we will get out of it.’ We have a generation of children and teens raised on participation trophies, good jobs, and sticker reward charts. (It’s no wonder we have a generation of children with low self-esteem).
So, what do we do about it? First, we must understand what your child experiences on a daily basis.
External Validation
External validations are any comments or accolades that come from any person other than your child. We validate by being physically present, by verbalizing our acceptance, by interacting and being available parents. External validation is a good thing but should not be the only thing or our main focus. By externally validating, you are connecting with your child and boosting their attachment to you (which in turn increases likelihood of following your rules/requests, child feeling heard, improves academics, etc).
So, external validation is a good thing if it is not their only source of validation.
External Motivators
External motivators are the actions and rewards that we give to our child- these are stickers, trophies, medals, our accolades, high fives, etc and are typically not dependent on the quality or quantity of work your child put into the action. (Example: every child gets a trophy just because they were on the team) These are what motivate your child (or is supposed to motivate them) to do their chores, their homework, get good grades, etc.
External motivators can cause your child to be dependent on others for boosts of self-esteem. Society (especially school) is built on external motivators (behavior charts, grading scales, lunch with teacher rewards etc). These external motivators are very appropriate for some kids-some truly need behavior charts as a reminder to stay on track (for example, kids with ADHD). Other children can feel limited or controlled by this. Others can become fixated on it – “I am not good enough if I do not have an A.”
If you just realized that almost everything you do is an external motivator, read below to find out what to try next.
Internal Validation
Internal validation is when your child tells themselves that they are proud of their efforts or know that they did their best. The focus is taken away on making others proud and happy. They learn to make themselves happy.
Long term- this reduces codependency (our fear of saying no to commitments, our fear of disappointing others, our dependence on social media for happiness) and this is a good thing. A child with healthy internal validation is less likely to give in to peer pressure, less likely to experience depression, and even anxiety.
It can be a hard change to make- but it is a worthwhile one to invest in.
Internal Motivators
Focusing on internal motivators allows a child to grow self-confidence in what they are accomplishing. This is when they accomplish something because they truly want to. They are motivated because it is important to them and makes them feel good.
How to reinforce internal validation and motivation
Phrases to reduce:
I’m impressed!
That picture is so pretty!
I really like this one (picture)
You got an A!
Phrases to increase:
You worked so hard!
You are proud to show me your picture/grade/etc.
You look like that was hard, but you did it!
You did it!
You worked hard for that A.
You knew you could get an A/B.
With a blend of both internal and external motivation and validation you will find your child or teen will gain confidence in themselves. And that of course is a welcome step.
Want to learn more about effectively supporting your child or teen?